Hello and welcome to a special Thursday edition of the Bleacher Creature. Why Thursday you ask? One because I’m an irresponsibly prick who treats “deadlines” more like “guidelines”, and two because holy sh!t I can’t even enjoy a few leisurely days of classes before I start getting steamrolled by everyone and everything on this campus. Well whatever, you guys don’t give two sh!ts about my first world problems, let’s talk about Joe Maddon.
Let’s start by getting my bias out of the way: I loathe Joe Maddon. To be honest I think he’s a total c*cksucker. But for some reason everybody around baseball loves him. I mean for the love of god I was talking to a Cardinals fan last weekend who basically wanted to fellatiate the guy. I just don’t get the Joe Maddon dick riders, they don’t make sense to me. But if you people still don’t quite get it yet, just look at Friday’s game.
Cub’s pitcher Dan Haren beans Matt Holliday in the head – I don’t mean the shoulder or high on his back, I mean baseball to brain at 86 MPH – in the 5th inning. So in the 6th, Cardinals reliever Matt Belisle retaliated by throwing a ball at Anthony Rizzo’s legs. And Joe Maddon, being the levelheaded individual he is (lol jokes he ain’t that at all), decides to throw a bitch fit after the game.
“There was no malicious intent on Dan Haren’s part… so to become this vigilante group that all of a sudden wants to get their own pound of flesh [is] absolutely insane rediculous and wrong. And furthermore we don’t start stuff but we will stop stuff.
“I never read that book that the Cardinals wrote about how to play baseball… you can take that book and read it for yourself because I don’t give a crap about that book so I want everybody there to understand that we don’t start stuff but we will stop stuff.
“Of course not (when asked whether Belisle’s HBP was accidental), of course not, that’s rediculous, I don’t want to hear that… The pitch that Danny hit their guy with was an absolutely mistake, we don’t start stuff, we stop stuff”
Ok wow. So much wrong in so few words. Can we call Guinness? I think we might have a record on our hands. First of all it doesn’t matter if Haren meant to hit Holliday or not. If you plunk their best hitter in the head, intentional or not, one of your guys is getting thrown at. Period. Just be glad they threw at his legs instead of his f*cking face.
And how about that “We don’t start stuff, we stop stuff” crap? Nice buzzwords Joey, too bad they’re total bullsh!t. You absolutely started this, you threw at the guy’s head! You are a troll sir.
Also, your argument loses a little bit of its luster when your idea of “stopping stuff” is hitting three more guys the next day, getting tossed, and acting like you didn’t mean it. Now who’s the vigilante you Cosmo Kramer wannabe? It also doesn’t help that the Cards hit one of your guys again after that game, so not only did you in fact start it, but you also did not stop it. Kindly f*ck off back to the Bizarro World you came from.
But the worst part about this whole diatribe is him talking about the “Cardinal rule book”. It’s not a “Cardinal rule book” Joseph, the “unwritten rules of baseball” exists for every team in the entire league. Whether you like it or not, players will break those “rules”, and other players will get their jockstraps in a bind over it. That’s how it works buddy. I thought a baseball lifer like you might get that but apparently it flew right over your wildly unkempt head of hair.
But this isn’t even about unwritten rules. This isn’t bunting in the 8th when the pitcher has a no-hitter going, or stealing a base late when you’re up by 7 runs. This is defending your goddamn teammates. If you’re going to f*ck with our guys, we’re gonna hit you right back. It’s common call and response and everyone gets it except you Joe Maddon. Your head is firmly planted so far up your own ass that I can actually see you collapsing in on yourself like a dying star.
Joe Maddon is always on the wrong side of these debates. He was wrong when he hit Chase Headley last Spetember, he was wrong when Matt Joyce was hit back in 2013, and he was especially wrong on the David Ortiz/Mike Carp vs David Price fiasco last year. In short Joe Maddon is whiner, a fraud, and a hypocrite, and anyone who can make me root for the Cardinals and against the Cubs is probably nothing short of Satan himself.