I Hate the Little League World Series

Posted on Aug 23 2015 - 7:38am by Nick Piccione

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I feel like I need to add a disclaimer to this one before I get into it. There are a lot of keyboard warriors out there that will get their panties twisted up in a knot over the fact that I think the LLWS is a smoldering pile of human garbage. My views do not necessarily reflect those of my peers, or Monstah Mash as a whole (although if they are of sound mind and body it does). So if you can’t handle a little satirical truth then you can kindly get the f*ck out of my theater. Otherwise, sit back, relax, and enjoy the film.

But yeah, I just don’t like the Little League World Series. I despise it. It represents everything wrong with sports. You can call me a hater, you can call me un-American… or you can call me right.

I honestly don’t know why it’s on TV. If I still watched ESPN, I’d be so pissed off that these games are on all afternoon. Between this crap, the Arm Wrestling Championships, and the f*cking Crossfit team games on TV now, ESPN has actually become ESPN 8 The “Ocho” from Dodgeball. For God’s sake I think Gary Cole and Jason Bateman are anchoring the next 6 hours of SportsCenter.

That’s a bold strategy Cotton let’s see if it pays off for him

Even if I did want to watch the LLWS, the four letter network’s garbage coverage would drive me away. They saturate the airwaves with all these fake storylines that I’m supposed to care about. Why should I give a flying f*ck about Mo’ne Davis? On a scale of 1 to Tim Tebow she’s the most irrelevant athlete in sports. She peaked as a 13 year old and the only reason we’re still having her shoved down our throats is because Disney wants to milk her for all she’s worth before she fades back into the sad emptiness of anonymity that will haunt her for the rest of her life.

But seriously, the Little League World Series is just such a joke. It’s just a months worth of spank bank material for guys with mustaches. If you watch a baseball game below the college level without any direct affiliation you are a pedophile. I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. I’m not trying to be over the top, I’m just stating fact. You own an unmarked white van. You are BFFs with Jared Fogle. You like little kids.

And if the people who watch it aren’t bad enough, the kids who play suck too. I’m not just talking about their ability as ballplayers, I don’t like them as people. I don’t know if it’s because I’m that much older or kids are that much sh*ttier. Uh my god I LOATHE these children. they’re just the worst. I mean look at this kid.

What a cocky little prick. “You like girls”? I bet you’ve never even touched a boob. I’ve touched like 3 boobs kid, get on my level ya snot-nosed little sh!t. I never though I could hate an 11 year old with such passion. And they’re not just cocky off the field, but on the field too. Just look at this son of a bitch who though he was the tits and got lit up.

Now that spanking is apparently a criminal offense, this is about as good a kid can get what’s coming to him. What a clown. You must feel like the biggest dickwheel, shaking off your catcher with that smug little face and getting your pitch blasted 3,000 feet to dead center field. I almost wish your team didn’t get eliminated so I could continue to see you make an ass of yourself.

But the worst part of the Little League World Series is, that like with all children’s sports, the adults come in and f*cking ruin it for everybody. All these self-loathing old farts who live vicariously through these kids will do anything to win, and it spoils it for everyone. Remember how much everybody loved that Jackie Robinson West team last year? Well they got their title vacated because the team manipulated recruiting lines and fielded kids who weren’t from their region. And the lying – OH THE LYING – about the ages of these kids. Chase from Texas is 6 foot 4, 230 pounds, and 11 years old? Yeah right, ok buddy. It’s like an entire league of “22-year-old” Cubans fresh off the cigarette boat.

Look the Little League World Series used to represent all the best parts of small town America… used to. Now it’s a bloated corporate monster ruining everything it used to stand for. I’m sorry if I come off sounding like some baseball version of a truther, but I honestly believe like 85% of what I’m saying here. And I know there are plenty of people out there who like the LLWS for all the right reasons. But the problem is that those reasons are gone. It’s sad, but it’s true. The bottom line is it’s just not that game anymore.

 

 

 
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  1. […] past week, Nick Piccione, a Staff Writer here at Monstah Mash, wrote a hilarious piece on why he hates the Little League World Series, putting together some highly comical and well-made […]